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Monday, April 9, 2012

Not what we hoped

It's not until I get bad news that I realize that I am still holding out for a miracle. Deep in my soul, I am still waiting for K to be rescued. Then, when the news isn't good, I feel like I've been sucker punched and left gasping for breath.
Today we learned that K's lung tumors ("mets") grew by about 40% despite the new kind of chemotherapy that she received 3 weeks ago. The lung mets are still small enough that they are not affecting K's breathing but their growth tells us where this is heading.
We are not giving up. K has not had bad side effects from any of the treatments that we've tried, and she still acts like a joyful puppy, romping happily on our hikes and bike rides. Her spirit is telling us to keep trying to extend this happy phase of her life.
We're now moving into the realm of less traditional treatments, having exhausted all of the tried-and-true chemotherapy options. Tomorrow, K will start "metronomic chemotherapy", a low dose form of chemotherapy that is given at home daily. It slows the growth of lung mets in about 30% of dogs in K's situation.

I am feeling sad beyond words because I secretly dreamed that we'd get great, or at least mediocre, news today. I know that, with a little bit of time to digest this new information, I'll rally my emotions so that we can enjoy the good days - because they are happening now.

At this moment, the golden eyes of K are trained upon me, as she is trying to pull me out the door for our sunset hike. I will wipe the tears away, lift my head high, and go enjoy my time with our wonderful pair of dogs.

64 comments:

Lowandslow said...

So sorry to hear this. To those of us who recently lost a canine loved one this hits home hard. Enjoy every day you can with her.

S

Amber DaWeenie said...

Not the news we hoped for and I know exactly how you're feeling now as we lived it last year with our Tucker and now with Benji. But again...one day at a time and live it to the fullest. And that's exactly what you and K are doing.

{hugs}

NanaNor's said...

KB, My heart is hurting so much for you right now. I wish you many many hours of romping and rolling with your sweet K. How I wish all the love around the world for you and your pack, could somehow reach out and heal her. My loss of Reggie is so fresh that i just pray your won't have to deal with this for a long time.
Sending the power of the paw.
Hugs, Noreen

Maery Rose said...

I'm sorry. I get how even a little less bad would have been welcome. Your response to not anticipate bad times but go with today is as solid as ever. I wish there was more I could say and do.

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

Please know we've all exhaled and cried along with you on this post -

AND we'll be right there with you on the sunset hike tonight -

Once again, K will show us the way - to strength we don't always know we have - until we need it -

NCmountainwoman said...

I've been checking for your update and I am so sorry to hear that things have gotten so much worse so fast. I wish I had words of wisdom but on second thought I don't think you really need any. You and K are working through this so courageously. Fingers/paws crossed that the new treatment buys more high quality good time.

Nola said...

Oh god, I'm so so sorry! You're doing everything you can, as I'm sure K can tell. Whatever you do, don't give up hope on her
Love
Nola and her mom

Faith Shen said...

Keep on Fighting K, were still praying for you..I know that you have a strong personality and an optimistic dog, everything will be fine in God's perfect time :D



Dog Shock Collar | Puppy & Human Bond

~Kim at Golden Pines~ said...

I know the days when you're feeling like you've been knocked down--But with K, and her enthusiasm and zest for life, you're given the strength and courage to continue this journey. I admire you for that, and am cheering you both on from my little corner of Virginia!

Raising Addie said...

Cancer Sucks.

But, you are making every day meaningful for K. That is what matters most :)

Enjoy each other.

BIG hugs to you guys!

Lots of Luv & Kisses
Addie, Lucie, Hailey and Staci

K9 Katastrophie said...

We are so sorry. All we can say is that some how God will bring goodness out of your pain. We've got your back.

Love,
Kim (Ruthie's mom)

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥ said...

Add our tears to yours too. But K is telling you she is OK right now, and NOW is what you have. One day at a time, and take all the moments she has for you.

Tucker The Crestie said...

SO very sorry to hear this news ... and our hearts ache along with yours. I hope you enjoyed your hike and made a few more precious memories to hold close to you.

Sending you lots of hugs and good thoughts.

desertsandbeyond said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. We lost our beloved German Shepherd in December to canine lupus. It wasn't easy for him at the end. I noticed that the light went out of his eyes. He definitely was ready to go. I miss him every day.

Team Beaglebratz said...

When test results are right before us, it is really difficult to see anything else BUT K is telling you - "we need to go out NOW!" We never have enough now's so make good on the ones you do have. Listen to and follow K - she will guide you through this. Sending so many prayers and I wish I could reach through this screen and give you and K and big HUG!
Mom Kim

Merlin Wylt said...

I'm sorry to hear this. I know how hard what you are going through is. I think I may have asked before, but in case I haven't, is she on a cancer diet?

Jed and Abby in MerryLand said...

Well, damn! Definitely not the answer we were hoping for. Sometimes life really knocks you for a loop, and we've decided it's ok to lie on the floor for a minute before you get back up. It helps that we can lean on each other.

Jed & Abby

harrispen said...

That was not the report we were all hoping for. Enjoy every hike you have left. I hope the new treatment helps slow the evil c's progress. You all are often in my thoughts.

Cindy

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

Just want you to know that we are all thinking of you and I think that you living in the NOW with her is the only way to know in your heart later that you didn't waste a moment, or that you didn't appreciate every single day, taking nothing for granted.
Poppy has her biopsy on Friday and I think of your courage dealing with this. Your post about loving her through it all meant a lot to me - and I am sure many other people.

Roxanne @ Champion of My Heart said...

Only love!

Val said...

Speechless....Listen to your K, she's got it right!!!
Sending you hugs and prayers.

Lovable Lily said...

We are so sorry to hear the news. We are still praying for that miracle. We are here to rally around you all.

Hugs,
Lily Belle

Mr. Pip said...

So sorry the news wasn't better ...sending you lots of healing wishes.

Your pal, Pip

rottrover said...

please enjoy each moment...

Tweedles -- that's me said...

Tears are streaming down our face too. We were so hoping- just as you were.
We understand how you are feeling. This new update has left you raw to the elements.
Listen to K- enjoy that sunset.
We are thinking of you and K right now as we type through the tears.
Let your feelings flow- keep talking and sharing how you feel. We feel the same way.
love
tweedles

24 Paws of Love said...

We have no words for such sad news. We know what that sucker punch feels like when holding on to a miracle.

Just know we are with you and K.

jen said...

I am so sorry to read this also.
I will continue to hope that K rally's and has a lot more adventurous days ahead.

GOOSE said...

I just don't know what to say.....
Keep following K's lead. Prayers held up for you both.
Blessings,
Goose

Hiking Hounds said...

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain that you must be feeling. It must be so hard to continue getting bad news even when she seems to be doing so well. At the same time I think you're doing a great job handling everything. And even though it's so hard you are so thankful for and enjoying every day with K. I'm sure she knows how much you love her and appreciates everything you're doing for her and keeping her happy. And, of course, she loves you so much too. :-) Sending lots of love to you all.

houndstooth said...

I am so very sorry the news wasn't better. It's hard to think of K as sick when I look at her pictures because she looks so vibrant and alive. And I think the truth of it is, she IS vibrant and alive, even though the disease isn't being held at bay. K's spirit is like yours, too strong to be held back by woulds and shoulds. I think I'd do just what you're doing, still fighting as long as K wants to keep fighting and still living life to make you both happy. I'm more than willing to listen if you need an e-mail rant, too!

houndstooth said...

I am so very sorry the news wasn't better. It's hard to think of K as sick when I look at her pictures because she looks so vibrant and alive. And I think the truth of it is, she IS vibrant and alive, even though the disease isn't being held at bay. K's spirit is like yours, too strong to be held back by woulds and shoulds. I think I'd do just what you're doing, still fighting as long as K wants to keep fighting and still living life to make you both happy. I'm more than willing to listen if you need an e-mail rant, too!

Angus said...

Not what we'd wanted to hear when we logged on this morning . Here's wishing many more quality days ahead and the strength to enjoy them.

Siku Marie, White Dog said...

Reach deeply into your soul and find that part that refuses to surrender. Ignore your head and the facts. Ignore your heart and the grief. Just refuse to surrender; refuse to give up. Go down shaking your fist at this monster by living to the fullest. That is exactly what K is doing. I would give any thing, truly, to change this.

Cheerful Monk said...

I'm so sorry. I have tears in my eyes.

The Thuglets said...

We don't know what to say.stay strong and enjoy every moment with K. We are thinking of you and sending positive thoughts.
Follow K's lead.
Extra Special Nose Pokes
The Thugletsx

Dream Valley Ranch said...

Dear KB, The Runner, K, and R...I am heartbroken to hear this news. There are no words to describe the sadness I feel for all of you. Please know we send so much love your way and hope for more precious time for all of you to enjoy together.
Xoxo
Sue and the gang at DVR

STELLA and RORY from Down Under said...

I'm so sorry KB, it just sucks. We can only say again, enjoy every day with your sweet K. Hugs to you all. Love Carol x

Lindsjö taxar said...

Started work with tears today reading your post.
But we will NOT give up...hope the treatment can give her life quality for quite some time. Cancer is cancer, we know but many can live with it for long time.
We will think of you.
When our Nova hade mammary tumor. We operated and she was ok after that then we discovered a great one on her uteros. It weighed half a kilo, thats big for a dachshund. She was up running after 2 days and that with 14 years.....

Bassetmomma said...

I'm so sorry. I was so hoping you'd get some good news. It must be so hard to stay positive, but the light in K helps I think. She is still perky and happy and enjoying life, and that's what matters!

Eileen said...

Sorry you didn't get the good news we were all hoping and praying for.
We are sending lots of love your way.
Eileen and Annie xx

Anonymous said...

So sorry too, wish the best for the coming time, Love EM in DK

Ronnii, Uji, Izzy + Ziggy ( + Momma Tea ) said...

So not the news we wanted to hear either but if my dogs have taught me anything it is never give up, enjoy every second you have together and take pleasure in the silly little things they do that make you smile ( or in Ronnii's case make you go ewwww not again Ronnii-Pops...lol).

Molly was my greatest teacher she had one eye, was blind in the other, she had diabetes and Cushings disease but you should have seen her chase a noisy spinning top and enjoy bimbling about on her lead or sunbathing. She was an ispiration as is K, she will tell you what you need to know and when you need to know it so follow her lead they are far wiser than us I have discovered.
With Much Love and continued Prayers
Momma Tea
xxx xxx

IRIS E DONA said...

I'm so sorry!
please enjoy each moment with your sweet girl !
Love
Iris's Mom

Macintosh Mitch said...

I was hoping for better news too. Enjoy every single day to the fullest - just like you're doing!

Love ya lots,
Mitch

DianeTaylor said...

KB I am so sad to hear this news. I have been praying to God for a miracle for K :( I guess the miracle is that she is still happy and joyous in spirit. I am sending my prayers to you for as many sunsets and sunrises as possible. I used to love them but now I get so very sad, especially in the early morning hours before sunrise. I used to think "Ahhh a new day is dawning, full of possibilities"! But now I say "oh no - another day of pain and sorrow is coming". I need to learn from sweet K to not lose these days or myself. See? She is such a good teacher, despite her illness.

Hugs to you,

Diane and Indy Bones

Tom, Tama-Chan, Sei-Chan, Bibi-Chan, Gen-Chan, Vidock said...

All of us are wishing and hoping with you, and are so saddened when the news is not good. Hang in there!

HoundDogMom said...

We are sorry about this news and was wishing for much better. We continue to send drool and keep you in our thoughts and prayers. It is just hard to think she is really sick, because she looks truly to be enjoying life to its fullest. I LOVE LOVE that last picture, amazing. Sniffs, The HoundDogs

sophie...^5 said...

Take them both to the sunsets and your beautiful world...we are always thinking of you 4!

browndogcbr said...

Hi Y'all,

We are thinking of y'all and praying for your strength to propel you onward.

Sometimes we can look back on times of extreme stress and pain as those when the moments of happiness are heightened and will later, looking back, define those days.

BrownDog's Human

Random Felines said...

we are so sorry and hope the new meds can help. It is human to hold onto the hope that a miracle can happen - but please hold on to the time you have and know that K is enjoying life to the fullest and that is the best gift you can give her....

Anonymous said...

Such true and familiar words, so beautifully spoken. When our beloved Spencer was battling lymphoma I, the oncology nurse (really!) kept the realistic face to the world "yes, he's had a good response to treatment, but you know, we won't cure this...blah, blah", trying my nurse-best to take care of everyone else's grief. All the while secretly, fervently, honestly hoping and believing--yes, BELIEVING--that we would get the miracle that a precious few do get.

And we did: the miracle that you are experiencing right now. That life every day is a gift. That time goes on. That every moment is the precious moment. And that eternity is forever; we are all here for just a blip, but our souls are together for all time.

Our prayers and thoughts for you four. ~ Jeanne, Bob & Rex

Brenda's Arizona said...

With sadness and hope and a piece of joy every day.

Steph said...

I am new to commenting, having just finished reading your blog from the very beginning. My heart is aching for you. Your strength and courage is what K needs and what you are providing. Please know you and K are in our prayers. Enjoy each sunrise and sunset!

Jo's World said...

Sue of the Porties lost their beautiful and wonderful Tsar yesterday. We all loved him so much.

Please keep doing what you can for K as long as she is enjoying life.
Don't stop wishing for a miracle, you never know when one might come.

Love and hugs,

Jo, Stella and Zkhat

Jan's Funny Farm said...

We're so glad you are able to enjoy these wonderful times with K. Like all your friends, we are always hopeful of better news. Pawhugs

Snowcatcher said...

This wasn't the news any of us were hoping and praying for, but I'm glad you have this blog so you can draw from the love and support of all your readers, vent the negative emotions and then enjoy the time you have with your precious girls.

Barb said...

K must definitely be your spirit guide now, KB. She is pulling you into life. What a magnificent sunset!

Ruahines said...

Kia ora KB,
There is nothing I can add to the aroha here in the other comments. I am heading into the autumn mountains in the morning, and I will send my loving thoughts from there. Tehei Mauri Ora!
Aroha,
Robb

Angela J. said...

I'm so sorry. I know this is not the news you wanted or the rest of us wanted. Every sunrise is a gift.

Diana Stoll said...

I have been following your blog for a little while now, and I am continually struck by how well you appreciate and celebrate the beauty in your life. I admire your strength and dedication to life's priorities. Your bond with K is beyond words, and yet you communicate it so well with your photos and descriptions. Thank you for sharing these special moments with us readers. I will keep you and K in my thoughts. Best wishes.

Sammie and Avalon said...

Am so sorry to read this post, KB; we also know it's absolutely not the better news I think we were all praying for. May this new treatment help K - you are so tough, KB - am sending all our positive thoughts and healing vibes your way.
Love xoxoxo
Sammie, Avalon adn Mom

bichonpawz said...

I am so very sorry to hear this news...I am reading this a bit late, but I am so sad for you. Prayers will continue. Let us all hope for a miracle.

Ms. ~K said...

No, not the news we wanted to hear, but no one has told K she is sick, and she is still living in the moment...
Holding you all close to my heart,
~K

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