Finding Beauty amidst "Life"

I've felt like life has had a few dark tinges recently, like ghosts hovering on the edge of my world.

Yesterday marked 25 years since my mother died. I know intellectually that I shouldn't even let myself remember her death date - that I should focus solely on her life but I can't help myself. I was relatively young when she died of breast cancer, and there has been a gaping hole in my life ever since. Now, I am approaching the same age that she was when she died, and it scares me. I've never been able to visualize myself as older than my last memories of my mom.

I have a tendency to try to embrace life even more when sadness and fear stare me in the face. Sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's not. But, seizing the day is how I live, and I can't change it.

So, I keep moving, searching for the beauty in life, regardless of the ghosts hovering in my peripheral vision. Sunrises are changing by the day. The sun is arcing higher in the sky each day and thus the "sunrise magic light" is more fleeting. Shyla still glows at sunrise but for less time. And, sometimes shadows dapple her, like yesterday.

I also search for the beauty in life by using my trail cameras to observe our wildlife. I've captured lots of photos lately throughout the forest but my "agility course trail camera", which is just outside our bedroom window, has seen the most action.

Multiple coyotes pass it nightly. The female coyotes are in heat now, as shown by their bloody urine spots in the snow. That means that pups will be born in about 9 weeks, just about when the first Pasqueflowers (wild crocuses) bloom.

Bobcats have been regulars at the agility course too. One night, I captured a solo bobcat who was heading straight for the "pause table" (not in the picture).

A couple of nights later, I hit the jackpot. The mother bobcat and her kitten are still together! First, mom walked past the camera.

Then, her kitten passed it. Notice the lighter color of his fur.

The two of them spent close to 4 hours doing something before they returned by the same path. First mom...

And then the lighter colored kitten...

I smiled when I saw the two of them, obviously still thriving. That kitten represents the renewal of life.

So, life on Mother Earth gallops onward.

At first, I didn't think that I could get through twenty-five days without my mother and now twenty-five years have passed. I have my mother's watch that surprised me when it kept ticking, with the second hand sweeping in circles, after the moment of her death. It finally stopped, silently and without fanfare, sometime in the past couple of years... but the sun still rises every morning.

Peace

We let S go yesterday. It was time. Life had become more struggle than sweetness for him. The battle had exhausted every last ounce of energy in his body. He needed to rise above his failing body and find peace.

Tears are streaming as I write this. Writing it in black and white makes his death more real. Missing him literally hurts somewhere deep in my chest and there's a gaping hole in my soul.

Yesterday morning, he soaked up the sun on our deck one last time, next to his sister, K. What an amazing big brother he was for K.
As a young dog, fearful K looked to S for guidance about how to cope with her demons, like her fear of certain corners of the house. S taught her with his steady and happy character. He also played with her light-heartedly.Cancer's insidious assault on S's body stole precious parts of him, one by one. A couple of weeks ago, the disease zapped the energy that he needed for a long-term ritual that I loved. When he and my husband woke up in the morning, they'd walk past my side of the bed, and S would snuzzle my sleeping face as he passed. He first did it years ago seemingly as a lark but my giggling response encouraged him to snuzzle me every day. What a wonderful wake-up reminder!

Another ritual stopped a little earlier. S loved his morning and evening hikes on the trails behind our house. He'd anticipate the evening hike for hours, shadowing my movements to make sure that I wouldn't forget to take him. Then, as we made final preparations for the hike, I'd reach for his collar to attach his bells. Every time, as I reached, he'd do a spin, a simple expression of joy. I had an inkling that his 'spin ritual' might become too tough for him, and I recorded one of the last times that he did it. My videography isn't good but it captures the spirit of S's spin.



Today, although I've been shedding tears on and off, I've seen S in every beautiful detail of nature. K and I went for a mountain bike ride, and the flowers in the meadow shouted with life. Nature marches on.When I took a closer look, the intricate details astonished me. Our meadow is a mosaic of green, blue, and yellow. I took the photo, and I cried with K licking my face. I wish that S could be by my side and healthy for this summer.
Later, a glorious view met me: flowers in the foreground, green aspens next to the trail, and snowy mountains in the distance.
As I gazed at the amazing beauty, my main thought was that I was so glad that S lived in this nourishing and invigorating place. And, I felt grateful that he loved us and let us love him.After my first dog died, many years ago, I initially thought that I'd never let another dog touch my soul because the parting hurt too much. But, after a while, I realized the folly of that thinking. I would have never known the joy and love given to me by S and my other beloved dogs. A song by Kate Wolf sums up my feelings about opening up to a dog's love.

Give yourself to love. By Kate Wolf.

Kind friends all gathered 'round, there's something I would say:
That what brings us together here has blessed us all today.
Love has made a circle that holds us all inside;
Where strangers are as family, loneliness can't hide.

You must give yourself to love if love is what you're after;
Open up your hearts to the tears and laughter,
And give yourself to love, give yourself to love.

I've walked these mountains in the rain and learned to love the wind;
I've been up before the sunrise to watch the day begin.
I always knew I'd find you, though I never did know how;
Like sunshine on a cloudy day, you stand before me now.

So give yourself to love if love is what you're after;
Open up your hearts to the tears and laughter,
And give yourself to love, give yourself to love.

Love is born in fire; it's planted like a seed.
Love can't give you everything, but it gives you what you need.
And love comes when you're ready, love comes when you're afraid;
It'll be your greatest teacher, the best friend you have made.

So give yourself to love if love is what you're after;
Open up your hearts to the tears and laughter,
And give yourself to love, give yourself to love.