Listening to the Heart

Today I found myself falling into a shadow of sadness. At first, I couldn't figure out why. I was enjoying a wonderful mountain bike ride with the Labraduo, with colorful flowers, fluttering butterflies, and singing birds all around us.

Every flower seemed to have a butterfly drinking its nectar. Why did that sight make me feel blue?

Then, I realized the reason. We are very close to the two year anniversary of K's death, and my heart was more aware of it than my mind. Indeed, when I looked at my post from exactly two years ago, I had photos of the same kind of butterfly perched on flowers.

But, that was a different kind of day than today. I was preparing myself to say goodbye to K. Indeed, the title of that day's post was "Let it be" - it was my way of trying to accept what was inevitable. And, most importantly, I was trying to tell K that it was okay to let go - that she didn't have to keep fighting for my sake - because I'd find my way after she was gone.

After I re-read that post, my heart literally hurt. If it weren't for cancer, K would still be alive - because she died at a young age. I miss her, and I'll never stop missing her.

Yet, I know that those who have died before us would want us to keep living, keep trying to be happy, and keep enjoying the days that we are given. My mother wanted that for me, when she died young so many years ago. And, I have no doubt that K would have found a way to be happy even if it had been me who died rather than her. Dogs seize the day and delight in each one.

Each of us has a finite number of days, and my approach is to always strive to be happy - so I don't waste my life wallowing in depths of despair. That doesn't mean that I don't get sad - like today - but it means that I try to find the good in today.

Last year, I used the strategy of taking a really fun field course on bear behavior in Minnesota close to this anniversary. I learned so much from observing wild bears... and it helped me with the anniversary.

I didn't do anything like that this year... and that's probably part of why I'm in a funk. Today has had many glorious parts, and I'll try to focus on those. The best part of all was spending time with the Labraduo. R and Shyla adore each other, and seeing that makes my heart sing.

As a side note, my hard drive crashed yesterday right after I posted to my blog. This is one of my first attempts to post from my iPad... so I couldn't include many photos and the formatting might be odd. If any of you has suggestions for posting from an iPad, I'd love to hear them! I'm using the Blogger App. Thanks for your understanding.