Twist of Fate

The past week has been trying, in many ways. Although I haven't written about it here, my health has been the biggest issue. On the good news end of the spectrum, I think that my shoulder is healing very fast. I actually forget that it's not healed at times - and then I make a "normal" movement which immediately reminds me that I still need to be careful. I'm awed by how fast it is getting better.

The toughest thing over the past week has been that I've had four migraines (in one week). The most recent one was last night, starting with a terror-inducing light show in my vision. I don't know why the visual auras scare me so much, but they do. Then it moved through the other migraine symptoms, including a throbbing headache, which I still have a trace of now.

This morning, I was ready to quit trying to be happy - to just keep my head under the covers and do nothing at all. But, alas, I have a young dog who sees me as her source of fun and games, and she does not permit sleeping late! She smothers me in kisses and brings slippers and shoes to me when I lie in bed beyond her wake-up time - a very clear message!

After Shyla got me out of bed, I put on my very dark glasses and trudged out the door with her, my head hurting with every footstep. I'd taken my meds, and I was hoping that they'd kick in during the walk. In the meantime, Shyla was bursting with zany happiness. It was impossible for me not to smile as I watched her.

Indeed, I very gradually felt the pain in my head letting up a bit. I could notice Shyla's beauty rather than cursing my head.

Of course, even though I feel a little better now, something seems to have gone awry in my brain to cause all these migraines. Some of you remember the discovery of nodules in my lungs a few years ago - that ultimately led to a diagnosis of sarcoidosis, an autoimmune disease.

Unfortunately, my doctors are pursuing the notion that sarcoidosis has "attacked" my brain, and that's why I'm having a sudden onslaught of migraines. I had an MRI yesterday, and the images seemed to support that notion but I'll get more information from experts soon.

Everyone has their own unique way of handling crises. At the beginning of a crisis, I have a bad tendency to invent ways of blaming myself for it. In one of my most serious crises years ago, when I learned that I couldn't have kids because of endometriosis, the self-blame game dominated my seriously flawed thought process. My crazy logic was that I'd been working too hard and had somehow caused the endometriosis by tiring myself out too much. Needless to say - that's impossible.

It took an insightful person to point out that "self-blame is a way of claiming that you have control over what happens to you" - and she went on to gently suggest that accepting that I don't have full control is a better strategy. That advice changed me forever. It's part of why I make a point of seizing each day - because I don't know what will happen tomorrow.

I had to give myself that talk again today when I noticed self-blame sneaking into my head, and it worked. Now, I'm going to focus on how to stop these runaway migraines. And, I'm going to hope that it doesn't require extreme medical measures.

I don't know what will be involved but I do know that the part of the cure always involves our beautiful outdoor world, whether the doctors order it or not.

I wonder where this twist of fate will lead me?