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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Finding my heart again

Something intangible and good happened today during our morning mountain bike ride.

Shyla and I headed out early for our ride, enjoying a few minutes in a golden aspen grove just after sunrise.
Then we played on a favorite trail where you can barely see the snowy Continental Divide behind Shyla. The sun was still within about 10 minutes of rising so Shyla looked reddish as she galloped to me!
Just after sunrise, one of my favorite places is in the pine forest. Shafts of sunlight filter between the trees making sun puddles that are beautiful.
Whenever we play in those sun puddles, I am reminded that all of us have some darkness and some light in our lives. Most of us try to focus on the light. Here, Shyla is peering out from a shadow, watching over the forest.
After sunrise photography, we got down to some serious mountain biking. This is when the odd intangible thing happened. My favorite trail to ride with Shyla has a few technically difficult spots. Before K died, I'd learned how to negotiate all of them without letting my feet dab the ground.

After K died, inexplicably, I completely lost my nerve about one of those spots. It's a rock face that is about 4 bike lengths long, and it goes upward steeply. If you don't attack it with power and confidence, you stall out and are in danger of toppling over. On every single ride since K died, I've chickened out and walked that rock face. Let me remind you that I could ride that section pretty easily before she died.

Today, for reasons that I cannot fathom, it didn't even cross my mind to chicken out. I just powered up and over the obstacle. Then, I stopped in wonder. What made me able to ride that section *today* after spending the past 2.5 years being scared of it? Just to be sure that it was real, I decided to ride it again, a second time, and I nailed it again. I was so happy that I have to admit that I even did it a third time.

I don't understand human psychology. But, I did notice that after I lost K, I lost my motivation to push myself to the edge in most aspects of my life. For example, I rode my mountain bike, but without the verve that I used to have. Very gradually, that motivation has returned, at an accelerating pace this past summer. And then today, it all came together - the courage, the heart, and the confidence - to tackle something that has been too scary for me for 2.5 years.

I think that it's a sign that I am finally coming out of the fog. Invisible to me but real nonetheless - I've been gradually finding my heart and motivation again.
Perhaps it was the Power of the Paw - K's paw reaching down from heaven.


  1. How beautifully awesome!! I'm so proud of you. That's about the coolest thing I heard today. :)

    I too have those obstacles that I've been so fearful over that they slow me down. What a joy it is to overcome them!

    May K always hold your paws across your journey!

  2. Good job,,, and good job for allowing K to help you! She is there!

  3. Beautifully written, as always. I love reading about your grieving process. That sounds a bit sinister, but I only mean that I love reading about your improvements, bravery, and how you are allowing your heart to heal. So wonderful.

  4. Since I lost Greta, each day has just been about trying to get through the day as normal as I can. Wondering how I can get past this. You inspire me, I know that someday this fog of sadness will start to lift. Thank you


  5. The fog has lifted, the world has changed seasons and we can't wait to see your next adventure. Carry On
    xo Cinnamon

  6. This post of all your posts has really hit home. Loss and it's effects are not something we expect, or can fathom in terms of what it affects. We lost our young friend a year ago, and our pony, Henry TheNinjaPony six months later and have been reeling from both. I stopped racing, after having competed at Worlds, no heart for it, not hearing Henry's nickers, nor being able to massage him and just be with him, has no depth, he is gone and missed it seems more each day. I am going to put myself thru the paces to see if some of my old life comes back....your post and your recovery give me hope. Thanks.

  7. Whatever it is, seize it with all your might! What a heartwarming and joyful post this is! As I've battled back from my back injury, you have battled to regain your heart and courage, and you're there, my friend!

  8. I'm impressed and happy for you. That said, you wouldn't catch me doing that!

  9. Oh wow! That's so awesome! I'm happy for you! Shyla looks beautiful in the morning light!! <3

  10. Renewed faith in ourselves comes when least expected, and I know K would be smiling at this achievement. And your words tell us so much more than the fact you biked up that steepest scariest part, courage, determination, and you seized the day. Shyla no doubt is happy too, if only they could talk.Power of the Paw, long may it continue to show you the way to the top. Hugs.Jean

  11. We are so very happy for you, KB ♥

  12. Most definitely a sign from K that your life is filled with love again.

  13. That is amazing KB - I am so proud of you!!!! You have come a long way - and I know K was watching you with love in her sweet eyes :)

  14. Even in the fog we know the True KB. Great to see that power.

  15. Way to go KB! That's a big milestone for sure. We just know that K was right there by your side while you peddled through your fears.

    Lily Belle & Muffin

  16. What an interesting observation!

  17. K was certainly there in spirit lending you a paw push up the hill. So glad for you!

  18. That's fantastic. And it had to be the power of the paw.

  19. Bravo for you and your boost from Special K!

  20. Wow, I can really understand that - about six years ago, two major, tragic events occurred in my life during less than a year, and I felt like that, too - like I was trying to make it to a distant point though quicksand. Oddly enough, it was almost exactly 2 1/2 yrs for me, too, before I woke up one day and realized I was feeling contentment and happiness again :) So glad you've reached that point! That's awesome :)

  21. Perfect timing with your Monday and Tuesday posts. I’m sure you had that all planned out just for me.

    I'm so happy for your climb. I kept seeing you going up and down that hill. I'm sure you had to have the biggest smile on your face at the top each time. And that made me smile.


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