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Sunday, January 15, 2012

Rage, sadness, hope...

The furious wind storm that has gone on for days has almost stripped the exposed meadows of snow. I think that the snow must have landed someplace thousands of miles east of us based on the fury of the wind. Perhaps it has landed on some of you who have a dearth of snow this year!
The atmospheric snowblower has made snowbiking easier in some places. Today, I headed out on my snow bike, feeling a rage in my heart about K's cancer that propelled me through the intense wind. The first part of my winter rides usually involves riding on a road to a trail network that's miles west of my house. For this part, I ride directly into the wind, and I revel in defying its strength.

Since hearing K's prognosis, it feels as if I've started the grief process but I keep going around in circles. Rage, helplessness, hope, peace, pure sadness, and then joy for another day with her - all of these raw emotions can churn through me in a random order and in rapid succession. I find that riding my snow bike helps calm my soul, both as an outlet for my searing anger and as a meditation that quiets my mind. Riding my bike on snowy trails helped me get past the volcanic rage that consumed me when I woke up today.

This afternoon, my rage had flickered out, and the Duo and I were in a high meadow for a peaceful sunset. I rejoiced in seeing their fur glow as the sun dipped below the Continental Divide. My legs were tired from my snow bike ride but my heart was happy to see the Duo together.
And then the sun set on another day in our journey. K had a happy day, and that's what matters most.


  1. Wonderful pictures and post! Living in those perfect moments and enjoying and savoring them will give you the strength to continue on in your journey with your precious K!

  2. Love the shot of the Duo... :)

  3. We feel those churning emotions too KB. And it helps us when you are able to share the beauty of your world with us,, because we are traveling beside you in that journey with K.
    R and K look so beautiful together!
    It was a perfect moment!

  4. We can assure you that we do not have your snow - the pups would be delighted to have some, but we don't have a flake.

    We can understand the rage, and the range of emotions, just wish we had a cure:(

    The duo looks fabulous.

  5. Khyra says it isn't here ;-(

    As for your emotions - so warranted - and so natural -

    We admire your strength -

    But then again, we know you and K share that trait!

  6. Emotions. Wish we could control them, but alas….
    I am thankful you have a wonderful outlet, your snow bike, to help you through the ruff ones to fine the joy of another day with sweet K.
    Love the Duo photos.
    Blessings KB,

  7. What a range of feelings you have gone through today.

    I felt the pain in your words and I am greatful that youc could end your day with that perfectly peaceful and soft photo of K at the end.

  8. I'm playing catch up again -- seeing your ups and downs, the woman who only briefly met K at the vet but so immediately connected and cared about her, the tug at the heart of thoughts brought on by daily routines, and the moments of escape in enjoying your bike rides and hikes. All accompanied by such moving photos that make me feel these things with you. I appreciate you sharing this journey.

  9. We think you are doing a miraculous job of dealing with the hand(s) you've been dealt - the dogs look so blissful and even tho the big wind-in-the-sky messed with your snow, it looks beautiful there and likely it will snow again soon, bringing a peaceful soundproof to your mountains. Ride... ride. We think of you so much!
    Sammie, Avalon and Mom

  10. I think some of it blew over on us. At least the wind is here, even if it didn't bring a lot of snow.

    I love that photo of the Duo! The sun on them makes them almost look painted. I remember feeling a lot of what you are when Treat first got "sick." We didn't know what we were dealing with for sure in the beginning. After an almost miraculous recovery at first, I let myself hope that it was just a freak accident, but as her condition went up and down, my feelings did, too. I still felt that way for a long time after she passed, too. I don't think I really realized until we lost Lilac that all those intense emotions are a good thing -- a sign of a life well lived and a dog well loved.

  11. I know how you feel. We did operate my old Nova 3 times and she got well between. She was happy and had good life quality. I enjoyed every day with her.
    Take one day after another, she´s well now and thats what matters today.

  12. Emotions are sometimes just to hard to control. Take each day at a time living life to the full with K.

    Your photos are stunning!

    Extra Big Nose Pokes
    The Thuglets x

  13. We totally understand your emotions! If at the day's end you decide that it was a pretty decent day, then you did the very best that you could. Live each day as if it were your last - that's what our mom says.
    We just love the last photo. It's just stunning!

    Love ya lots
    Maggie and Mitch

  14. Hi Y'all,

    The same thing happens when a human close to you becomes ill and dies. You feel angry and devastated at the same time.

    As for the WIND and SNOW you sent it here to the southeastern mountains but the wind came with it.

    It blew most of the snow away and most of the rest melted. Six inches in the morning and bare ground in the late afternoon.

    Y'all come by now,
    Hawk aka BrownDog

  15. Them emotions be so natural and we understand da anger and all dat. But, it would kinda skeere me if you didn't have ' knows like them weird hoomans they feels nuttin. Never mind.
    Just think abouts da present and thinks bouts tomorrow when it comes...savor every moment you has withs K. And I knows you will.

    What beautiful fotos!

  16. Perfectly understandable that your emotions are all over the place right now. Good for you that you're riding out your frustrations rather than sitting and dwelling on them. The Duo is better for it and you're giving them all that they need - exercise, love and a balanced leader.

    Chester's Mom ;0=)

  17. What an emotional roller coaster you must be riding. Thank goodness you can still have times where you ride it to the top with K! Beautiful pics!

  18. Dearest KB,
    Hang in there...
    I remember the pain.
    'Live in the Moment' is good advice. Too many questions and no answers will drive you crazy...'Live in the Moment,' is something to hold onto.

  19. Would you care to know that Stella hates the wind, too. I don't know if she rages, but she doesn't like it one bit. We think of K every day and hope that all things are good for her. We know she has the best vet care, a family that loves her, and good health going in.

    We are with you.

    Jo, Stella and maybe Zkhat

  20. I think I tried to emulate Angus, and let Gizmo take the lead in terms of how I felt about his illness and how I related to him and it. Like K, and Wilf, Gizmo was such a happy fellow. HE never got sad - or angry - he just was in acceptance mode throughout. He took each day as it came, uncomplaining, and I tried to follow his lead. (And some days I am still incredibly sad...)

    Sending hugs to you and to K.

  21. That last photo is magical.

    Take each day as it comes, not easy I know ...

    - Clive & Murray

  22. That last photo of K is simply amazing.

    We have lost so many hounds to that evil osteo, I have lost count. I admire your tenacity. You are doing all of the right things.

  23. I've been wondering how you've been holding up under all this. Your photos are still awesome. I'm glad you're seizing every moment you can with K.


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