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Saturday, December 19, 2009

Indecision may or may not be my problem

I laughed when I read the Jimmy Buffett quote in the title a few days ago. It seemed so apropos to my ponderings about my cervical disc situation. But, indecision is definitely not my problem anymore. I've decided to get my neck fixed as soon as possible. I've consulted with two more spine experts, who asked even more probing questions than the first two docs, and they both expressed strong opinions that this surgery is not optional.

So, in the face of a hurdle in life, what do we do? Emulate our dogs and leap the obstacle.
One commenter, NinjaPonyDad, referred to R as an "ICBD - Inter Continental Ballistic Dog" based on a recent photo. I think he's found a perfect nickname, although it is a mouthful to use in everyday conversation!

Then, K emulated R, but she didn't get quite the air that he did! But, she had glowing snow crystals enshrouding her - a gorgeous sight.
Today, on my snowbike ride with the pups, I felt primed to seize the day. My snowbiking days for this season are numbered so I'll make the most of the ones that I have. As we started out ride, we met the local dog pack led by their human. They were an eight-dog pack today, with one visiting pup. Not all of them are in the photo frame but K is in the center and R's head barely peeks into the frame from the bottom. R was hovering under my legs.
One thing has become clear. When K's little brother is with us, she's no shrinking violet around this pack. K went out in front and took the brunt of the little dogs' frenzied mobbing. Today, when everyone had calmed down after the initial greeting, R actually emerged from hiding under my legs to interact with the dog pack.
The visiting member of the dog pack was a 5 month old Lab and Pit Bull mix. He was sweet and polite. I wanted to steal him but he already has a good home. Does he remind you of anyone we know?
As soon as we rode away from the pack, K and R went berserk, releasing nervous energy in a flurry of wild playing. I love that they have each other for play and that I can watch their complex interactions. This particular interaction was pretty simple - tug of war over a stick!
After I dropped the dogs off to snooze at home, I decided to 'go for it', riding my Fatback snow bike and investigating whether various snowbound trails were passable. I was beyond surprised with how easily I negotiated 4wd roads and singletrack trails with stupendous views.
Some of the routes were boot-packed and very bumpy. I didn't care - I was in the forest, exactly where I wanted to be.
After churning my way through the forest, stopping to examine myriad animal tracks, and completely losing track of time, I headed toward home. As I glided down a slope, I caught a unique glimpse of the mountains that I love.
I'll admit, I don't constantly feel content about the decision to fuse my neck that's been forced upon me. I'm like a cauldron of terror mixed with a dash of optimism. My hope is that, as my mind accepts this decision, the optimism will gradually drown out the terror. Today, my consciousness was dominated by one thought: "No matter what, I'll find a way to do the things that I love". For those who follow my blog, no further explanation is needed.


  1. You are deep in the process of giving yourself permission to change what is hurting you. The part that is so scary is that you are not totally in control of the "cure" and have to trust those that would help you. Trusting your body to others is a steep hurdle and you seem to be doing fine with it. Yes, its a frightening prospect all around, but if it relieves even a small percentage of the pain you are constantly in, you will be more available to do what you love.
    Keep up the good work.....and you're right'll find a way to do what you love!

  2. Wow!

    NPD knows how to word it so well!

    BTW, Khyra is one happy Sibe!

    She had LOTS of snow snow snow!

    Thanks for these pics AND these thoughts!

  3. Amen on your closing. We can only deal with what we have . . . and then make the decision to make the absolute best of it. And the dogs are right - just leap over the obstacle and keep playing.

  4. The other three beat me to it - You can do it, KB. It's probably better to do it now before thing get any more complicated. I am confident that once you recuperate, you'll be back out in the forest romping and rolling as you always do.

    The Lab/Pit mix reminds me of a blocky headed, white splotched Marge!

  5. All awesome comments above here. Making the decision to do it is half the battle. Now you can move on and figure out what comes next. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

  6. Whoa - and that is so true. You are learning exactly what you need to know, just as your pups are. Even I am learning so much from your blog and thoughts. Thanks so much KB! You are intrepid and beyond!
    Hugs xo
    Sammie and mom

  7. Much of what I'm thinking has already been said, and very nicely I might add. I'm facing a different terror than yours but I understand what you're saying about the battle between that feeling and a glint of optimism that you hope will overpower the fear. It sounds like you are moving forward and feeling stronger for having made the decision.

  8. Wow, that is a gorgeous view! My mom went to Denver last March...unfortunately she got food poisoning at the Denver Chop House. But she really liked the rest of Denver! Looks like you had a great day too!

  9. I get the impression that this process for you has been akin to working your way through the stages of grief, and you are now arriving at acceptance. I have no doubt that you will find a way to do the things that you need to do in your life - you obviously have the will.

  10. Cheers,KB! For arriving at this good place and a willingness to deal with it.

    Like the OP Pack, our prayers have been with you right along, and will stay so.

    Gentle hugs,

    Jo and Stella

  11. Hi KB, K & R!
    So tough coming to that conclusion, and now thinking towards what it means, and the path ahead. Yet you have this new path, and you will find ways to keep doing those things you love to do.
    Really enjoyed the part with K & R going beserk! SR does similar (to me usually) when she gets that excitement. Eek!

    Hugs and snaggle-tooth kisses,
    Sierra Rose and mom

  12. The clear, purpose driven tone of the post says it all - as you say 'no further explanation is needed'. It wasn't indecision but rather prudently taking the time to make soundings to make the balanced, objective choice.

  13. Hey there KB
    NPD seems to have beautifully conveyed our thoughts too.
    We wish you peace with your decision. Please know that we are going to surround you with love in the months to follow!

  14. Good for you. From what you've shared with us, it sure sounds like the right choice. It sounds like a tough time ahead, but you've certainly done your homework and seem to be the world's best spine patient. If anyone can be spinning soon after this, it's you!

  15. I'm with Sam. The visitor looks a lot like her Marge and my Ginko.

  16. KB, You've made the decision that is best for you. Now try to calm your mind so that your body is primed to heal with all its outstanding capacity. I'll begin thinking of you every day - positive thoughts do help, I believe. Let me know when your surgery is scheduled - my E-mail address is on my blog.

  17. I don't think anyone could have worded the mixed feelings of cervical fusion as well as you have.


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